Y’know, I’ve noticed that there are people who only do nice things for people they like. And that’s a bit unfortunate because I think that’s exactly how to grow a clique. If they save their kindness only for their friends, or for grand gestures which make them appear kinder than they are in daily practice, you can be relatively confident that they are part of a clique. The daily practice is a giveaway. Or at least the lack of it. Find me someone who is kind to a broad cross-section of people, and who makes that kindness no big deal just part of their normal life, and I’ll pretty much guarantee that person is living their life clique-free. Or at least is currently inhabiting a clique-free zone. Almost as commendable.
Cliques are about exclusion. I used to be surprised when people would tell me that Guelph was full of that kind of nasty tribalism. Cliques with sticks? Here in the town of brotherly love? Not possible. At first I could not credit the thought, these were such pleasant people. But after years of inside conversations I realised that in fact the arts scene in the town was a human resources nightmare, so many people who had nasty fights and arguments and misunderstandings with others, sometimes decades before. And no one ever bothered to clean up the mess. So many tribes that didn’t speak to one another, especially in a burgh that size. Truly amazing. The fault-line running smack down the middle of the Hillside festival, for instance, was mind-numbing in intensity, and my gosh how it has twisted the whole enterprise into entrenching some very ugly behaviours. Do we do show-biz or do we do community? I know let’s do neither and just agree to hate one another forever instead. That’ll make a great festival. Always wondered how they did it. Of course no one would admit to doing anything wrong. I know, I asked. Got told to mind my own business.
Likewise no one in town would admit to being in anything like a clique. Because they all considered themselves nice people. And of course nice people don’t do things like that. Just ask them. Don’t ask the folks who would tell me they’re leaving town because they couldn’t find friends, couldn’t find people to play with, couldn’t find people interested in trying something different, couldn’t find a gig to save their lives. Those folks are gone. Presumably to a happier place. Actually pretty much any place except an active war zone would be happier than that sad little scene. At least to the folks who left. If I were smarter I might’ve gone with them. Ah well. Guess I just wanted to see how it ended.
So no, when it comes to cliques self-identification is likely not helpful. But I have found that it is indeed helpful to look at where they put their positive energy, their kindness if you will. If the person or persons only do nice things for certain people, only people they like, then no matter how sweet they are there’s a very good chance that there’s a clique involved.
And it’s better to know that sooner rather than later.
Ask me how I know.