By way of the wayback machine I managed to find a bit of old stuff I thought I’d lost.  Still can’t tell whether I started the original site in ’98 or ’96.  Although apparently I’ve been at this for a few years.  Anyway, thought you might be amused by this, reprinted here un-edited.


As a soloist, I certainly play my guitar and sing some songs. What I do with the other songs will have to remain a surprise. I talk some, too. Some people think that that’s the best part of the show, but we’re weeding those folks out. It’s a slow process, but hey, you’ve got to be true to your art, and I think that’s the best thing to do. Short of painting yourself with brightly coloured enamel so you can sneak into the art museum and observe people up close, of course.


A trio is when three people get up on stage and play more or less the same music. It’s called a trio because that’s the number of players in it. Even though the players may play more than one instrument, they only play three at a time, and so it’s officially a trio. Of course, if we each played more than one instrument at the same time, that would be an ostrich and we would have a manager, or at least a trainer and a nice soft cage to sleep in.


Duos are a formidable opponent. Should you meet one in a dark place, turn quickly and walk away. Under no circumstances should you maintain eye contact. Never, ever stand between a duo and its food. When provoked, the duo will almost always play. The Heimlich maneuver is not recommended. Do not use while driving or operating heavy machinery. Duos tend to travel in pairs. Two or more duos form a quadruped, which is rare, though mellifluous.


Quartets are formed when one or more members of the octet walk out in disgust. At this point, the cello will be called “winsome”, the oboe “ravishing”, and the saxophone “unavoidable”. There’s nothing for it but to start again and hope that no one notices. If they do, claim it is Stravinsky to distract them. In case of a real emergency, summon a magistrate and plead musical integrity. You’ll get off with a couple of years public service and a good conduct.


When all of the above occur at roughly the same time, it’s called a show. Except in Arnprior, where it’s called roughing the kicker and Inverhaugh where there is no word for it. In cases where it’s been allowed to continue, science has refused to divulge an explanation. In places where science has not been allowed to continue, pandemonium has erupted, mayhem followed soon after, and the dollar flowed like blood in the streets. Let this be a lesson to you–it’s only funny until the fat lady sings.

then it’s opera.